Her Brain on _____

So last night was pretty horrifying.

Patrick, Dexee, and I were going to bed, well Patrick and I were going to bed, Dex was already asleep in the middle of the bed, and Patrick accidentally elbowed Dex or something. Anyway she didn’t respond so I picked her up to check on her and she I couldn’t feel or see her breathing. I lifted her up into the air and she was completely limp, completely. I started shaking her arm (not the entire baby, and not hard) and yelling her name (because that’s what you are supposed to do) and she did NOT wake up. the yelling got Patrick’s attention and so he took her from me and he couldn’t detect any breathing either. I fucking freaked. Like I did NOT do what your are supposed to do in that situation, I just started panicking, checking her mouth and CPR NEVER occurred to me at all. Anyway I ran out of the room and started yelling for my mom to call 911, my mom couldn’t find her phone (and yet my phone was on the bed?). And than I heard Patrick say “wait stop” He had stuck his fingers in her mouth to see if anything was blocking her airway, there was nothing but she coughed and started breathing more obviously. Than she woke up fully and cried until my mom took her and then she started smiling ( she LOVES my mom) and playing. I proceed to slink down onto the floor and ball my eyes out. I really though I lost her and it was horrible.

Needless to say it took me a LONG time to fall asleep because I was constantly monitoring her breathing. She must have just been super tired because I picked her up a few more times while she was sleeping and she was, again, completely limp, although after about 5-10 seconds she would twitch or move a little, and she was obviously breathing.

She must have been breathing, it must have just been super shallow. Part of me wonders if she wasn’t though. Part of me freaks out that she was going to suffer from failure to rouse if Patrick didn’t stick his fingers down her throat when he did.

She’s okay though, and I’m okay, and it’s all okay. Thank God.

Lately Dexee hasn’t been nursing as much at night (partially her not wanting to and partially me discouraging her, though last night I was too tired to fight it). The result of this is that I’m able to pump 4oz of milk in the mornings! Exciting! My 21st birthday is coming up so I definitely plan to go out the Saturday afterwards and I’m glad that I’ll have enough pumped milk for my mom to give Dexee instead of formula. For a while I couldn’t pump anything out of my breasts which led to Dexee getting formula once or twice while I was at school. I don’t mind that she was given formula (2 times is by no means a big deal) but she sure does. She’ll drink about half the bottle and than say “what the fuck is this?”. To her credit I did try it and it was pretty nasty.

On another note my mom realized that I was turning 21 next week and at that realization she became sentimental about my age and how quickly I am growing. I was like “mom, I already have a kid.”

I’ve already gone down the alcohol isle at Giant scouting out the selections of really cheap wines/ champagnes that don’t look too terrible so I can toast with my mom, Patrick, and her fiance (her fiance is flying in from St. Lucia this Saturday).

Darn I think Dexee just pooped. Oh well, her diapers are like science experiments now, I’m never sure what I’ll find in them. Whole chunks of carrot and asparagus have been the most interesting. I think I’m about to get another asparagus one.

My life.

My life goals:

Eliminate added sugar from my diet.

Become a vegetarian, maybe even a vegan, though I’ve just started eating veges so it’s hard for me to wrap my head around that

Exercise everyday

Meditate everyday

Go to church on Sundays (Universal Unitarian Church that is)

Eat organic

Get a PhD

Travel to every continent (well, actually, I’m impartial to Antarctica though I know Patrick would like to go to listen to the seals through the ice so, yuh never know).

Become a postpartum doula

Be a good listener

There is a lot more but I have to go make hummus before Dexee wakes up from her nap

:)

larzipanz:

Lulz @ the people who browse the “breastfeeding” tag. A guy can’t legally whip out his dick in public but it’s totally cool for a woman to bare her breast? Okay.

Oh my god guys I can’t believe how right this person is! Penis’ totally lactate and they are totally comparable to breasts. Duh!

 I’m trying to convince Patrick to take the bed off of the bed frame and put in on the floor. Dexee fell off of the bed yesterday. This time it wasn’t because I was sleeping with her, this would have happened regardless of whether or not I co-sleep. Her and I were sitting on the edge of the bed, her laying down, I took my hand off of her for one second and she rolled over, landing flat on her back from a very high drop. The other times something always broke her fall, this time was terrifying. Patrick was quick to pick her up, she screamed for a while but she calmed down a few seconds after I held her and then started laughing at something. I saw her fall and land this time, I can’t believe she didn’t get hurt, not even a bruise. Anyway…I am pretty terrified of this happening again, she crawls around on the bed all the time now and is constantly at risk of falling off. I need that bed on the floor! Either that or she needs to go into a crib. I’ve been debating putting her in a crib because this past week was horrible sleep wise. Especially last night. I think she nursed the entire night, would cry if I took her off my nipple. Obviously I get enough sleep to function but I could definitely use some more quality sleep. We’ll see how this next week goes, it could just be because she is teething. There really isn’t anywhere to put a crib though so now that I think about it, that option is pretty much out. It sucks when you have 1 room to fit all of two peoples (well, two adults and a babies stuff) in. Our room is jammed packed with all of our shit.

The only things of ours that aren’t in there are the babies little books shelf, her bouncer, and her high chair. Other than that it’s terrible.

We’ll figure it out I guess.

I was just watching What Would You Do and it said that 1 out of 5 women have been raped. I didn’t realize that was the number and it tore at me inside when I heard that. I don’t give a shit how a girl is dressed or how drunk she is. UGHHH I’m actually mad right now. I’m SO mad.

Today I see this whole new spark of intelligence in Dexee. It’s odd when that happens. Rapid development within a week always freaks me out.

1)A couple days ago Dexee started actually eating her food (not a lot of it but still). She chews and swallows her pita bread and what ever is on it (this morning I couldn’t find any avocado, bananas make her constipated, and the sweet potato looked weird, so this morning was yogurt).

2)This morning Dexee drank out of a cup like a big person! It was actually a light up, plastic shot glass, but it was a good size for her. She tipped it back into her mouth and gulped it down. Baller baby! Not gonne lie I was so proud I cried a little. lately every time Patrick or I drink from a bottle or cup she wants to too so she’s had a little bit of practice. I give her sippy cups of water too, but she doesn’t really drink from them, she chews them to soothe her gums I think.

3)And another this morning, though I’m pretty sure it was just a coincedence, as I was signing diaper and repeating the word over to her like I do every time I changed her diaper, she said di puh. Which would be awesome if she was talking but would be a very odd and smelly first word. Until I hear it again, it was a fluke. She also babbles a lot more in general, especially during meal times.

4)Dexee tries SO hard to crawl, she gets in crawling position and rocks back and forth like she is trying to figure it out, but eventually gives up and just does the dragging-her-head-scoot. She’s getting less frustrated while she scoots now though, so there’s that.

5)When I read to her, Dexee actually pays attention to the books now.We mostly read the book where is my cat because for some reason, I enjoy that book a lot.

6)Every time she does something new I can literally feel my love for her grow. The more intelligent she gets, the better we relate to each other, and the more overwhelming my mom feelings for her are. She hugs me sometimes now! She’ll wrap her arms around my neck and hold on with her head on my chest. The first time she did that I almost cried, but instead I held her back and rocked her back and forth.

7)Also she responds to her father a lot more now. You can tell she loves him now. On Monday, when I went to school, for once she did mostly fine being with him when it was time for sleep. Watching their relationship unfold has been a joy to me. I’ve gotten much better at stepping back and letting them do their thing.

Man I love being a mom. Sometimes I want to kill myself just so I can sleep, but mostly I love it.

Hey wuddya know, Picasa has cool filter options now.

Fascinated by water

Cutie, am I right?

Look at her trying to hold the water

Pictures that stop water and have naked babies in them are the coolest

Dex after eating Bananas rolled in flax (the flax is so the bananas don’t get to slippery for her to hold)

This morning we had Avacado pizza for breakfast. (Smear avocado on toasted whole wheat pita, drizzle of lemon, and topped with an over easy egg. The egg was on mine not hers though).

And there you have it.

So today Dexee demonstrated to me that she can scoot herself from one side of our king size bed to the other! I really thought she was going to be late on crawling but it looks like she is going to be crawling in no time at all. To be honest I am kind of dreading it. We live in a small apartment and because our room is always a mess Dex really only has the hallway and living room, both of which are, like I said, small.

Also I have to admit, when Dexee scoots it kind of seems like she is doing it by accident so this whole thing might be a falls alarm. It looks like she is trying to roll over but doesn’t realize her arm is in the way, and she only really does this when she is frustrated, which was most of today. Her tooth did feel like it was a little closer to coming out so it’s possible she is teething.

Today she has been REALLY squirmy. I couldn’t get her to stay still for diaper changes, getting her to sleep was hard (both times), and I’m exhausted. I had to stay on top of making sure she didn’t find her way off of the bed constantly, or hit her head on the coffee table. I can not wait until we move into a townhouse or house house. July couldn’t come fast enough!

Oh btw, Dex and I finally made it to bouncin babies at the library today! It was so much fun! She actually interacted with other babies, including one that was only 2.5 hours older than her. Her name was Heersa and she was a cutie! It was funny talking to her mother because they seem to have been developing at almost the exact same pace. My FAVORITE baby there was 4 month old baby Sydney who had the goofiest, cutest hair. Her and Dexee were the first babies there. Us moms stood them up in front of each other and they started grabbing each other, SO CUTE! The mom sitting to the left of me brought two 4 month old twins with her, Wyatt and Zoey. They spit up a lot, they were premies and their I’m sure their digestive systems didn’t seem to be able to quite keep up with them so they spit up a lot. She had them all by herself, was a total trooper, and I have mad respect for that woman. I really wanted to say, “my name is Marina, Dexee and I don’t have much to do during the day so we’d like to help you if you need it.” But I didn’t because that’s kind of wierd.

It’s funny how weird I was about going to Bouncin Babies. Other mom’s make me nervous. I even neglected Dexee a little because I was fretting over my non cooperative hair. When I got their I was relieved to see that pretty much every mom there looked at least moderately frazzled and had some frizz to their hair. Of course when I got their I opened up and was the the most talkative, outgoing people there! It was the same at Gymboree. I was so nervous and than when I got there I was suddenly confident and outgoing! 

Tired, going to go finish of those Reeses, chug some sparking water, and doze off while watching the Killing.

Oh motherhood.

Here are some Easter Pictures! We spent it in Fredericksburg with Patrick’s awesome parents.

Was fun :)

Daddy and Dex

Please ignore my arm flab and check out the adorable sleeping baby

Grandma Susanna and Dexee

What’s this shit?

She doesn’t like butter evidently

She’s shooting cannons at the North (or South maybe I’m not sure, All of the graves here were of Union Soldiers so she might be shooting at the south, dunno).

Papa and Dexee having a time

Smug wittle baby

glarification answered your question: Vaccination Day

If you baby wear, I would suggest doing it, I would not leave a “gasping” baby by themselves especially after a vax. I hope she feels better.

Thank you for your answer. I used to baby wear but she doesn’t tolerate being in the sling anymore. She was fine by herself and just needed to calm down. She woke up an hour later a happy little camper and is doing great 3 days later :)

Dexee got her 6 month vaccines today. She was fine all day until after I put her to bed. She woke up screaming and I mean SCREAMING. Like death howls with a jerking body because she could barely breathe (I thought she was seizing at first which scared me because according to the side effect chart that is a “moderate” side effect). In fact, she was screaming so loud my cat tried to attack her 3 different time, one time involved gnawing at my ankles.

I can ALWAYS comfort her…ALWAYS. But I couldn’t do anything. Patrick held her for a while while I called the doctor (no help) and she wore herself out so much that I just had to lay down with her for a little bit as she fell asleep. Every time I go check on her she is still gasping like she is trying to catch her breath. I am so happy she is asleep so that she doesn’t have to know the pain anymore. I can’t stand not being able her, it hurts in my bones.

I’m also kind of freaking out (like, in my kind of paranoid way of freaking out not my OMG way of freaking out) that she is going to get brain damage. One thing I never looked into before I decided on anything were vaccinations…I wish I had.

Has anyone ever had bad experiences with vaccinations (and I don’t mean just brain damage, I mean bad reactions in general)?

Sometimes I regret telling people what the sex of our baby turned out to be. I am not a pink person. I don’t hate pink but I don’t love it. Dexee wears all pink almost all of the time, simply because that is what people gave us. If we win the lottery or I accidentally get pregnant again I would find out the sex but I don’t think I would tell people. I would want to find out simply because I would be expecting a boy and would need a little bit of time to get my head around having another girl if that were the case.

I wish I would be able to have another baby shower so that I could announce it after we got gifts. I saw this thing were you go to a bakery, ask them to make the inside of the cake pink if its a girl and blue if its a boy so you can be surprised when you cut into it. I think that would be awesome at a baby shower. My, actually our, last baby shower was huge and, because we have a limited amount of girl friends, was composed mostly of guys. There were over 30 people, there was a ton of food, music, GIFTS (tons), and it was a blast! It was also nice because after a clean, wholesome kind of party that none of us were used to one of our friends had a birthday party that most of us went to where we got to play beer pong and what not (obviously I didn’t actually drink the beer).

In a way our baby shower was sad. It felt almost like a goodbye to all of our friends as we were moving on to the next chapter of our life. We wouldn’t be able to go to parties anymore or Dagorhir events (yeah, most people there were dag fighters). We still see a lot of people who were at the baby shower but there is a disconnect. When we go to dag practices we have our baby with us, we take turns fighting. If we’re lucky someone is there who doesn’t participate and will watch her so both of us can fight, that is until she dirties her diaper or get hungry. We took her to EKs new years party with us. Instead of getting wasted on slippery nipples and rum and coke I played cards (a game called poop that is surprisingly fun) and Patrick played star craft with other nerds. At midnight we drank the little amount of champagne in our plastic cups, said our goodbyes, and went home to sleep, the three of us sharing a bed.

Sometimes I think our relationship with friends might have fizzled down to what it is now anyway. Looking back, my relationships were straining even before I was pregnant. I wish I had nourished them more. But sometimes, such as in this exact moment, I am content.

Baby is awake now.

It’s kind of like baby fever except I don’t actually want another child. I want to be pregnant again (this time without the morning sickness, acid reflux, back pains, and sleeplessness) and I want to give birth again. I want to go the midwife route, to be able to walk around even if my water breaks, to not be induced, and to give birth in water or in my own bed. Oh well. I think if we win the lottery within 3 years I’ll definitely have another baby. But if not I definitely won’t.

But hey, Patrick said he feels like he was meant to win the lottery (let’s hope so…I think you have to start playing first though).

Come on big money!

So last night I was reading about baby led weaning. Basically you avoid purees and let baby just…eat. I mean you still have to mash carrots up a bit and stuff like that (all though sometimes I let Dex suck on whole carrots). Anyway, on a whim I decided to try it with her today. I got an avocado…which ended up looking gross and I wasn’t sure if it was still good so we opted for a banana instead (I forgot about the 4 day rule with introducing new foods…oops!). It was fun! Dexee actually enjoyed eating! She didn’t really “eat” but she chewed, swallowed a little bit. Without realizing that I’m really not supposed to I did help her a little bit but I won’t next time. Any way, I’m really excited about feeding her now! Especially now that I don’t have to waste so much time pureeing!

My favorite mommy blog (Offbeat Mama) has their own Monday Mama Montage so I though I’d do my own and post awesome pictures of my awesome family every not-awesome Monday. So here goes!

Dexee’s first mohawk!

Cutest baby ever.

My life!

Daddy and Dex

And more mohawk :)

Avocado and awesome bib

And that was the first Marina’s Monday Mommy Montage!

Dexee was introduced to carrots today! Yum! (disgusting actually, steamed baby carrots pureed with water into mush). She did okay with it. Definitely better than avocado (though the avocado was stringy and just wouldn’t mushy enough so there’s that). I plan on only feeding her veges for a while than eventually I will add some yummy fruit. I’m so afraid of her hating vegetables, as someone who is struggling to eat healthy I know how hard it is to do that when you’ve only started attempting to try veges at age 20!

Anyway, Here is to a hopefully healthy future!

Like I said, gross!

Apathetic.

Dexee did not enjoy that last spoonful!

In less than two hours it will be April 2nd which is exactly a month before I turn 21! It seems silly to be excited. Drinking at home with a baby that I’d much prefer to nurse than have to give a bottle to (and who I co-sleep with so there’s that) sounds boring. I mean a glass of wine at dinner is one thing but half a bottle at dinner is another. I will RARELY be able to go to bars because my mom doesn’t watch Dexee very often, and Dexee’s routine is to nurse to sleep so when I am not there she cries with my mother until she goes to sleep. I guess I could always go out after she falls asleep but, as most co-sleeping babies do, she wakes up many times a night to feed.

I admit, I get jealous when I hear or read about my friends going bar hoping. I’ve always enjoyed drinking and how suddenly I am able to socialize with people I normally would have ignored out of shyness. I’ll also admit there have been times where I’ve drank too much and gone psycho…but going psycho used to be a fairly common occurrence in my life even without the booze. I’ve never been so into alcohol that I drank ever day (for the exception of Dagorhir campouts, shout out too all of my alcoholic LARPing folk!) but when I do drink I LOVE to drink. 

But I love co-sleeping and not getting up to make bottles at night more.

This whole being a mom thing is severely cramping my partying style!

I would have never thought at 21 I’d prefer to company of my daughter, “fiance”, and netflix to the funny feelings of crappy mixed drinks. (Not saying won’t enjoy the funny feelings of crappy mixed drinks every once in a while. A woman’s gotta live).