Her Brain on _____

Anonymous asked: What did happen with your friendships with people? You and I were friends in high school, and I want to see if what happened with that good friend of yours you were talking about is also what happened with us.

That friend I was talking about was Meghan Perry. I mentioned her because I don’t recall her really ever saying negative things about people.

If you are not Meghan Perry I’m not sure who you are but the reason we probably stopped being friends had to do with me being distracted by my hatred of high school, being in love, as well as my being psychotic. Sorry!

Sometimes I regret telling people what the sex of our baby turned out to be. I am not a pink person. I don’t hate pink but I don’t love it. Dexee wears all pink almost all of the time, simply because that is what people gave us. If we win the lottery or I accidentally get pregnant again I would find out the sex but I don’t think I would tell people. I would want to find out simply because I would be expecting a boy and would need a little bit of time to get my head around having another girl if that were the case.

I wish I would be able to have another baby shower so that I could announce it after we got gifts. I saw this thing were you go to a bakery, ask them to make the inside of the cake pink if its a girl and blue if its a boy so you can be surprised when you cut into it. I think that would be awesome at a baby shower. My, actually our, last baby shower was huge and, because we have a limited amount of girl friends, was composed mostly of guys. There were over 30 people, there was a ton of food, music, GIFTS (tons), and it was a blast! It was also nice because after a clean, wholesome kind of party that none of us were used to one of our friends had a birthday party that most of us went to where we got to play beer pong and what not (obviously I didn’t actually drink the beer).

In a way our baby shower was sad. It felt almost like a goodbye to all of our friends as we were moving on to the next chapter of our life. We wouldn’t be able to go to parties anymore or Dagorhir events (yeah, most people there were dag fighters). We still see a lot of people who were at the baby shower but there is a disconnect. When we go to dag practices we have our baby with us, we take turns fighting. If we’re lucky someone is there who doesn’t participate and will watch her so both of us can fight, that is until she dirties her diaper or get hungry. We took her to EKs new years party with us. Instead of getting wasted on slippery nipples and rum and coke I played cards (a game called poop that is surprisingly fun) and Patrick played star craft with other nerds. At midnight we drank the little amount of champagne in our plastic cups, said our goodbyes, and went home to sleep, the three of us sharing a bed.

Sometimes I think our relationship with friends might have fizzled down to what it is now anyway. Looking back, my relationships were straining even before I was pregnant. I wish I had nourished them more. But sometimes, such as in this exact moment, I am content.

Baby is awake now.

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is how I haven’t been the greatest friend to pretty much any friend I’ve ever had. I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend I’ve never said anything bad about, complained about, etc. And I’m talking about since probably the beginning of high school. I have one friend who I don’t think I ever said anything negative about, Rachel, but had she lived in the same state as me that might have been different. Let’s just count her out of everything I’m going to say.

I have taken every single friend I’ve ever had for granted. Only lately have I been trying to make it up to them. I have talked SOOOOO much shit about every single one of my friends that I’m embarrassed. How could I have been such a terrible friend to all of these people? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure every single friend I’ve ever had has said something mean about me. (Well, I can think of one other than Rachel that might never have said a mean thing, or at least not many, about me…this friend I just up and abandoned my senior year for selfish reasons). But still, I just feel bad. That’s not the kind of person I want to be.

I’ll admit, the fact that I am not close to any of my friends any more and that I rarely get to see them has been apart of me coming to realize how selfish I was, how much I took these people for granted.

So here’s to not being a shitty friend anymore!