It just did. I’m tired, I am SO tired. I’ve been a bit of a shit mom lately, though who am I kidding, I believe I will forever be ridden by mother’s guilt. Just another reason I will never have another child, I can’t bare to wear the weight of twice the guilt.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Today sucked just sucked and for no seemingly strong reason other than fatigue.
I woke up and made Dexee spelt banana cinnamon pancakes (used home made apple sauce instead of sugar). They tasted pretty good, but they made a huge mess. Dexee begged me to play with her a lot as I sat in front of the computer, not even on it, just staring at her and unable to move. I finally put her to nap but of course I couldn’t fucking find it in me to do the same. So I spent two hours browsing feminist frequency. When Dexee woke up I wanted to die. It’s like her waking me up was just enough to make my head hurt and my eye lids heavy. I called my mom to see when she was coming home. 2 hours. I found it in me to cook lunch (onions, green peppers, tofu, mozzarella, disappointment) while Dexee nommed on some fake organic cheerios and bananas. I was left with that mess as well, though I managed to do all of the dishes while Dexee complained in her high chair for me to take her out, leaving me feeling more burdened with guilt than before.
Finally my mom got home, I got a red bull, we went for a walk. Still tired. Patrick and I went for a walk, I gave up on cooking, got Taco Bell. Now Patrick is being awesome and understanding and watching the baby while I do what ever I want. I feel a strong need to vent, so here I am. Afterwards I will go to sleep, or I might even have it in me to take a bath with Dexee.
I am so tired.
If I ever get pregnant again I might literally kill myself. I’m so afraid of getting pregnant that I won’t take oral contraceptives because I’m terrified of it failing. We are strict with our use of condoms, though sometimes we don’t want to be.
I fear that one day our time and lust will get the better of us, we will skip the condom, and I will wind up pregnant again. I will then give birth to a baby I can not imagine loving anywhere near as much as Dexee. I will resent having to go through all of the steps again.
Or maybe I wouldn’t, maybe getting pregnant again would force all those maternal loving feelings to return.
But oopsies are what the morning after pill is for.
Though for now the horror of having to cater to the needs of another baby is enough to make putting on a condom the sexiest thing ever.
Being too tired for sex is a good form of birth control as well.