Her Brain on _____

So tonight, as I was cooking, I opened up the freezer and saw the lemon lime margarita flavor frozen bag of wine and next to it a bag of pumped milk…it was a sign.

So I drank it (well ate it). Because I rarely drink I should be embarrassed to say (but I’m not because that would be dumb) I actually got almost drunk off of it. It was fun. I always eat a lot when I’m drunk though so I killed the roasted asparagus and brussels sprouts…and there were A LOT. It would have been no big if they weren’t smothered in olive oil. 

After that I bathed Dexee (yeah I know, you shouldn’t do that while drinking, Patrick was there, we had super vision). And then I fed Dexee milk out of a sippy cup!

There are a few amazing things about that:

1) She actually let me feed her not out of my breast without complaing

2) She actually can drink well out of a sippy cup and not just chew on it like she does when I give her water

3) There was exactly enough milk in it to satisfy her and she crawled around happy as a clam like she usually does after I breastfeed her

and 4) We are done with bottles! Which is good because I had to throw away the only bottle we had.

        This is a big one for me. It’s not as big as it would be for a baby that often drinks bottles. Considering Dexee has never actually liked bottles and has probably one drank from one about 20 times in her 9 months of living, it’s not that big of a deal. But it is to me. Bottles are out of my life forever. Sure I will probably get to feed someone elses baby one day, but not my baby. Because I plan on never having another kid (fuck you to all of the people who say I will change my mind, I can’t tell you how annoying that is, and on the internet I don’t have to smile and be nice, I can say fuck you) I will never bottle feed a child of mine again. It’s over. To me it’s a reminder that Dexee’s infancy is coming to end sooner than I think I’m ready for. I mean I am definitely ready for it. There is a part of me that is ready for her to move out! But mostly I don’t want her to not be a baby.

Another milestone: my mother took her out with her Sunday morning, just the two of them. My mom has taken her on walks before but never out, in the car. And they did great, when they came home I nursed Dexee to nap and it was awesome. She’s gone out with just her dad before but that’s her dad. A non parent is totally different.

Speaking of Dexee and my mother, Dexee is so clearly in love with her it warms my heart up. Whenever my mom gets home Dexee crawls up to her feet, stands up and reaches for my mother to pick her up. My mother plays with her and makes her laugh whenever she has her so Dexee thinks she is probably the coolest person to ever exist.

Thank the Universe for my mother!

Oh yeah, the original point of me writing this was to say that I ended up going to McDonalds and getting cookies and an apple pie.

Dexee woke up, sat up in bed, looked at me, I said hi, then she looked down at the bed, fell face forward into the mattress and was asleep. I’m pretty sure she fell asleep mid fall.

Yesterday was awesome.

I had a lot of fun with friends at Dag practice yesterday.

I’ve lost over a pound in the last couple of days. (Thank you breastfeeding!)

Dexee said her first recognizable word at dag practice (it’s possible she’s said dada before but it’s hard to tell because she says da da da da all the time). She said mama! I had just taken her diaper off and let her crawl around with her butt out (this was at the dag field) and before I put her other diaper on she hugged her arms out at me and said mama! And than said it again! So I grabbed her and kissed her and, with her little butt hanging out, ran to tell Patrick and pretty much everybody.

Patrick and I did bedroom stuff for the first time in over a week last night so our relationship feels better and, I’m tempted to say, healed. I didn’t even know it needed to be healed haha.

And because Dex was out so late yesterday due to practice, she slept until 9:30 this morning.

I feel pretty good.

I just watched my half naked 8 month old daughter get super excited, flap her arms, and throw up pea puree.

My maternal instinct is forcing me to find that incredibly adorable.

So we just had a tornado warning and I all I did was panic.

But that’s okay. I stir fried chicken, tofu, and shiritaki noodles when I was done panicking. Was delicious, though regret not picking up any veges. And it was almost healthy, but I drenched it in general tso sauce.

This morning I had some apple slices and an over easy egg on an English muffin with avocado spread. I felt good about that.

For lunch…well, I bought Dexee those puff things, the organic kind, happy babies…turns out I love them. I ate half the cup.

Dexee is asleep now.

That Dr. Pepper Patrick went to get me is taking a while.

So after half an hour of sleeping Dexee woke up from her nap, climbed on me, and farted a bunch. She smelled so I checked her diaper, there was a little turd…but she wasn’t finished pooping. I wrapped her back up and let her go than wiped her up again. As I was about to wrap her in her new diaper I saw her but cheeks strain, her face get red, and than she groaned. I didn’t want to waste a diaper so when I saw that she this little brown tip peek out of her but I put a wipe up to it and caught it.

I literally feel like I just helped someone give birth.

After than I rocked her back to sleep.

But now I am awake.

So Today I decided to get my fat ass out of the house and go for an extra long walk with Dexee in the stroller.

I’ve started putting Dexee in the front facing stroller instead of attaching her car seat to it, even though she is still a bit small. I love it. Because she’s not facing me it’s like I get me time while still being with her, and she really enjoys being taken out in the stroller.

During the beginning of the walk I saved a turtle (again). She or he was on a bridge, stuck under the railing. I unstuck him/her and brought him/her nearer to the creek, away from the bridge.

By the end of the walk, as we were nearing home, Dexee fell asleep (though I didn’t want her too because it was an hour before she typically takes a nap).

There was no stopping her. I brought her inside, put her down, ate Patrick’s fiber one bars (oh BIG mistake, but not really because they tasted like girl scout cookies), and chilled for half an hour until some company started cutting down the tree outside of her bedroom and woke her up after only half an hours nap. Gr.

I brought Dexee to the living room, she crawled to the sliding glass door, stood up and proceeded to bang on it and scream. It was cute because it looked like she was protesting the tree being cut down.

It made me proud. I think I secretly (though not so secretly anymore) hope that Dexee becomes an activist of some sort. That’s something I’ve always appreciated to my core but have never had the heart and soul for.

We played for a long time. I watched the first episode of Spaced (hilarious, Netflix it) while Dexee climbed on stuff.

I decided to go for a walk again and Dexee fell asleep just as we got home, so she is asleep now.

For each fiber bar I’ve eaten today I’ve had to rush to the bathroom. I had three fiber bars. I may have another.

I’m waiting for Patrick to come home.

I’m waiting for Patrick to come back with my Diet Dr. Pepper and Reeses Cups.

He doesn’t support this bad habbit of mine…but there are two things that I can bribe him with and they always work. Actually, it’s not a bribe, it’s a trade.

So like I said, waiting.

Anonymous asked: You keep a gun and ammo in a small apartment with a baby? Are you scared that when she gets older she will find them?

I don’t understand what the small apartment and having a baby has to do with it. Would it help if I told you that we are moving into a town house and she will be a toddler? Just kidding.

It’s locked and stored, I am not worried.

Although I’ll admit it does worry me a little bit when she is a lot older and sneaky, but we’ll figure out a way to make sure she can’t get to it, probably with some fancy combo lock.

I understand that a lot of my followers probably aren’t big fans of guns. When I grew up I wasn’t allowed even mock guns. I asked my mom for a water gun once…it was shaped like a bird, it didn’t even look like a gun, and she said no, no guns. I wasn’t until a few years ago until I started dating Patrick that I changed my mind. I wouldn’t say I am a fan, I will always be weary. Still I do believe that when gun safety is followed correctly, there isn’t much to worry about.

(Our apartment isn’t that small by the way…but with 4 people trying to fit all of their stuff…it feels tiny).

I am not down with all this zombie apocalypse shit.

My worst fucking nightmare.

When I read about the happenings in Florida I promptly locked all of the doors and confirmed the location of our gun/ ammo.

I live in Northern Virginia (aka Washington D.C. suburbs) and I have a baby (babies cry). If Z day were to happen we would be fucked as soon as we ran out of ammo.

On the bright side, breastfeeding would make it easier to keep Dexee alive. And we have plenty of duck tape that I could put over her mouth when she cries (desperate times…).

Oh Z day.

(Btw, I know there isn’t really a zombie apocalypse happening).

I was woken up at 7:30 by a monster climbing baby and I am bitter. I can’t wait for nap time.

Today I feel much better. I realize now that weekends are stressful, and this was a three day one. With Patrick and my mother home all day Dexee and I’s routine is completely thrown off.

During the weekdays we wake up between 8am and 9am…well she wakes up, I let her crawl around the bed and climb on top of me until half an hour later I give up and we get out of bed.

Dexee crawls around the living room for a while.

I heat up whatever puree on the stove. Today was blueberry, though it is too runny so I thickened it with baby cereal.  She eats it, sometimes I try to coerce her too much, forgetting that it’s not actually that important if she skips a meal. Unless I forget, she than washed everything down with a glass of water, most of which spills on her. I have to hold to cup and tilt it for her.

After that she usually crawls around the living room some more,I crawl with her.

We than go to the library or for a walk. Today we didn’t. Instead she continued to crawl around the living room, playing with her non toys, and occasionally glanced at a dolphin documentary I put on TV. (We usually don’t watch TV before Daddy gets home, but when we do, even now, I try to choose something educational).

Usually Dexee goes to sleep at 11:30, today she didn’t seem tired so I put her in the stroller and we went for a walk. At noon we got home and I nursed her down to nap.

I read a little until I realized that I hadn’t eaten yet so I peeled and cut and apple and paired it with peanut butter.

After only 20 minutes of sleep I walked back into the room and Dexee woke up. She usuaully sleeps for two and a half hours and than we wait for Dad to get home, but not today. So right now Dexee is crawling on the carpet and climbing on the furniture while March of the Penguins plays in the back round. I don’t feel bad about not doing anything productive with her right now, after all, she is supposed to be sleeping.

When Patrick gets home we’ll go for a walk if his knees aren’t acting like old men.

It will be a good day.

I still hate Northern Virginia.

When I was preparing Dexee’s bath I realized that after I go to sleep tonight I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.

Hopefully it’s temporary, but as of late, I am unhappy. I need a break from Dexee, and not just one break, more breaks. Other people hold her, watch her while I go to the grocery store, but I’m always back fairly soon. She hasn’t even had a bottle since the semester ended. It’s not because I practice “attachment parenting” by the way. It’s because of the lack of people in my life that I would feel comfortable leaving Dexee with. The only person is my mother, and she is busy doing her own things. Of course Patrick can watch her too but I enjoy hanging out with Patrick. Maybe I need to organize a girls night out with my friends. I’m too lazy.

I’m so tired.

I need to sleep.

But I just put Dexee to sleep so I’d like to enjoy my free time.

• Baby monitors freak me out. I finally whipped out the baby monitor we got for our shower and all I can think of is the clicking noises the aliens made in the movie Signs.
• I really want braces. I can get over the rest of my body and feel attractive and I can loose weight (well, not if I continue eating Taco Bell literally everyday. I’m just so in love with the crispy potato soft tacos…so in love). I can’t get over my front tooth. I had braces once. And when they came off my teeth were straight…but I didn’t believe the orthodontist when he or she (I don’t remember) told me that my teeth would go back if I didn’t wear my retainer. And now my teeth are as crooked as ever and yellow from those years of smoking and not brushing me teeth before I went to sleep. I am incredibly self conscious about my teeth.
• I really need to change blogs but I just can’t get myself to do it.
• I really want to delete my face book but transferring all of the photos from FB to the website I made for Dexee things is going to take forever, and is 100% boring.
• I just said I really three times.
• There is a spot Patrick and I (and Dexee) go to in the woods, we call it the beach because it is a sand bank on a creek. It is really beautiful (well for the exception of the disgusting water and the passenger trains that pass by…but it’s fun to wave and we usually get a wave back). Yesterday we went and met a turtle nomming on some leaves. Today we went back and our turtle friend was still there. Patrick thinks the turtle can read minds because it would “react” to everything he said. I had to point out to him that the turtle didn’t need to read his mind because he was saying everything he was thinking out loud. After that I caught Patrick looking at the turtle silently from time to time and I wondered what he was saying in his head. I would ask him what he was saying but he said he wasn’t saying anything. I wasn’t sure if I believed him but I thought it best to leave his connection with the turtle be.
• I feel a slight connection with turtles. Last week I was driving to a friends house when I noticed there was something in the road and I was approaching it pretty fast. I had to swerve to avoid what I found out at the last second to be a turtle. After I passed it I remember hearing or reading about turtle depletion in certain areas due to traffic so I felt obligated to turn around and go back for the turtle. I parked on the side of the road (Dexee was in the backseat) and after watching a bunch of cars avoid the turtle as well, I ran into the road, picked it up by it’s shell and brought it as far as I could into the grass while staying an acceptable distance from the car. It wasn’t very far, but at least the turtle’s chances of survival were slightly higher.
• I feel very juvenile after telling that story. I don’t mind. 
• I would never keep a turtle as a pet. Actually I did once, as a child when I lived in Guam. They were two little turtles that stayed in my mother’s classroom in the high school she taught at (biology teacher). I remember their funeral. A student of my mom’s went with me to bury them under a tree near the class room. We gave them tomb stones. Back to my original point, I would never again keep a turtle as a pet. They are meant to roam free. I’ve never seen the point in owning reptiles. That’s not true either, as a child I wanted to be a herpetologist and I loooooved snakes. I should say I now do not see the point on having reptiles as pets. They do not form attachments to humans and are meant to live in a much, much  larger space than a glass case.
• I might have to declaw my cat. It’s something I’m completely against and said I would never do…but we are moving in a month and have yet to find a place that will allow cats with claws. I would do it if it meant keeping her. She is an old cat and an old friend of mine. I would feel like one of the cruelest people on Earth having that done to her…but I mean, humans circumcise baby boys and don’t feel too bad about it so there’s that. De clawing sounds more torturous than a quick snip. I’m going to block this from my mind now.
• I’ve been grumpy these past couple of days. This is nothing new to Patrick, he is used to much more horrifying versions of myself…but it’s irritating to be irritated.
• I’m too tired for more bullets but there is so much on my mind.
• Like the fact that I finished the eleventh Sookie Stackhouse novel (turns out I had read more than half of it before Dexee was born). It was a nice novel to come back too and I never realized how much I love the main character until now. She’s nice, she’s a tad bit feminist, she’s simple, she’s complicated, and she’s confused. And she gets to have sex with Eric so there’s that too.
• The best part of being pregnant (other than debilitating nausea, back pains, lack of sleep, acid reflux, constant urge to pee, and sudden ability to smell literally everything) was how much I got to read. I wish I had all of that time again. People told me to make the most of the last time I would be able to do nothing all day so I did and I read my ass off.
• I was suppose to go to be a couple of bullets ago.
• Good night whoever was bored enough (or possibly even interested enough) to read this. I love you.
• It’s nice to be heard.